GRRR

This is how I feel right now with everything.  I am just not doing well with the eating and feeling full.  I had to have fluid removed from my band 3 days after surgery due to swelling.  Now that the swelling is down I feel like I am right where I was with not feeling full and being able to eat normal size meals again.  I can not wait until Monday to go and get a fill.  I hope it helps!

Back to work

My post op visit went well yesterday.  I am down a total of 32 lbs so far, so I pretty excited about that.  I was advanced to soft foods and was never so excited to eat a mushed up meatball, now keep in mind it took like 30 minutes to eat two small meatballs but that is ok.
I had 2 scrambled eggs this morning for breakfast and those took at least 30 minutes too but it feels good to have food in my system and to be learning how to eat with the band in.
I am back at work and feeling nervous about people noticing my eating habits, but then I think they never noticed the no food and only shakes for 2 weeks so I should be ok.
I know they will eventually figure it out but I am just not ready to talk about the surgery with them at all.  I don't know why I need the time but I do.  I need to be able to adjust to things first before people start to ask questions and want answers.
I have to do the soft foods all week this week, I go back to the doctor next Wednesday and should be able to advance to regular foods.
I am feeling better so I may try to walk a little bit tonight.  I don't think I will be able to do the 3 to 4 miles a day I was up to but something is better than nothing.

First day post op

Well surgery was yesterday, I did it!  Things went pretty well yesterday, started out a little rough with a long wait before surgery which caused me to way over think things.  Once things got going I was fine.
Surgery lasted less that 40 minutes and all went well.   I have 5 incisions on my tummy, they are covered right now and I have not seem them so I am not how long they are.  I will update on that once I take them off to shower tomorrow. 
I did very well with pain in the hospital yesterday and was up walking 2 hours after surgery.  My doctor gives you a Tylenol drip every 6 hours to help with swelling and it managed the pain for the most part.  I wish I could say I slept well last night but between the pain of the IV, it was in the back of my wrist because they couldn't get it in my hand and being woken up every couple of hours sleep wasn't great.
The doctor did send me home with a script with pain meds that I told him I didn't need and boy am I glad he did.  I was very sore after the car ride home and moving around a lot more.  I took one this afternoon and slept for a little bit. 
I am on an all liquid diet of shakes and strained soups and thinned out cream of wheat and oatmeal.  I had a strained bowl of creamy chicken noodle soup at dinner and took some Tylenol to help with the swelling.  Right now my tummy is very swollen and sore.  I am hoping that will help with the pain for the most part.  Right now I am uncomfortable sitting, standing and walking so I can't find a happy spot right now.  I am hoping that will pass in the coming days.
I will keep you posted on how things seem to move along. 

worse day

Yesterday was by far the worse day of this two week diet.  I was so tired and worn out and just didn't have the mental game down yesterday and everything seemed to get to me.
The girl in the office with me seemed to eat all day yesterday so it was really hard.  Listening to the crunching and the bag rattling....ah!  Those thing bother me on a normal day let alone day 8 of no food.  I had to go to the rest room several times, sit, cry and ask God for strength several times.
The closer I get the more the mental game is getting to me.  I know that it is mind over matter and I need to decide what is important to me.  I need to remember the reasons I want have to have this done.
My son is my life and I need to make sure I am here for him forever.
I will say I did make it though the day without stopping and getting a large pizza and eating it all.  I actually only took 3 small bites of the meat I had made for Noah, 1 to make sure it wasn't to hot, 1 to get him to eat and 1 because!  I know it is 3 more than I should have but it is better than the state of mind I was in during the afternoon.

Slacker

I have been slacking on writing updates this week.  Just know because I am slacking on that I am not on other things.

I had a great day on Monday!  I walked a little over a mile at lunchtime at work and did good with  my shakes.  I will say I did cheat at dinner and had maybe a 1/2 oz. of chicken if that.  I ate a few bites while cutting up my son's dinner.  I will say it was VERY hard not to eat what he wouldn't and I was dying throwing out what was left but I did it.  I don't feel so overly bad about the few bites because after that my cousin and I took Noah for a 3 mile walk.  So that was a total of 4 miles on Monday.  Yea me!

Tuesday I did good food wise but didn't get to walk at all.  I didn't go at lunchtime and my son had a doctor's apt at 5 and by the time we got out of there and home it was after 7.  I still needed to make lunches for the next day, get him bathed and ready for bed, and clean up a little bit.  I was going to try to ride the stationary bike we have but that didn't happen.  He had gotten shots so bedtime was a little rough.

I am past the half way mark on the pre op diet and can't believe what seemed so far off 6 months ago is less than a week away.  I am slowly losing my energy from not eating and can't wait to just had something other than liquid in my tummy.

Weekend over

Well I made it!  1 weekend down 1 more to go.  I have to say for the most part I did pretty well; better than I thought I would to be honest.  I am craving some foods but I know that in due time I will be able to have small amounts of them.

I am finding I have really good days where I am not hungry very much, and was able to only have 2 shakes and 1 bar yesterday.  Then I have others where I think 1 bite of food and no one will know.  I know that I would only be hurting myself if I did it.  I have found that gum is my friend right now.  The chewing motion seems to be enough to stop the hunger for a little bit.

My husband, son and I went for a walk yesterday and he and I were talking about what we will do for meals after surgery is over.  I think the crock pot will be the best way for me because the meal will be almost cooked when I get home.  I have realized that when I get home until dinner cooked time is the worse for me.  So I need to make sure I don't fail during that time.  So I am in search of any good healthy recipes anyone may have.


Until tomorrow

First Saturday down

I was so worried about how I would handle being home on Saturday alone with my son while my husband was at work.  Plus my mom and I usually go shopping and out to eat for lunch on Saturdays. I was super stressed about that.

I waited until around 10 to eat my morning shake so it would hold me while she and I were out shopping.  We ran to a few stores and then needed to stop and get my son who is 18 months old something for lunch.  She was very great and said she could take him if I wanted to run to anther store so I was tempted but I said no I need to be able to handle these types of things.  I did very well and got myself a diet soda while they are.  It was very hard because I love the grilled wraps from this place but I held strong.

I feel that each day I get a little stronger at being able to pass things up and it not bother me.  I don't know how that will be after I have the band and know I can eat food.  My mind right now is if you eat you don't get surgery and I have to do that.

Hoping Sunday is as good for me.

day 4 was a good day

I am a little late in the day posting about Friday but  I was on the go most of the day.  Well to be honest I was avoiding home most of the day.  Saturday's I am home with my son alone so it would be very easy to eat and no one would know.  I know I am only hurting myself by doing that, but I didn't want to temp myself just a few short days into things.

I woke up Friday and wasn't really very hungry so I was able to wait until almost 9 to have my first shake of the day.  That was really nice because I was good until lunch time.  My co-worker and I walked again at lunch time, so that was a great help.  We walked about a 1/2 mile more than we did on Thursday so I was happy about that.  I had my shake around 1 or so after that.  I am finding if I can put off drinking my morning shake a little bit then it is later when I have my lunch one and it seems to hold me better.  I waited until almost 3 to eat my bar so that I wouldn't be hungry as soon as I got home with my son.  That seemed to really work for me.  I was able to feed him and get a few things together to go to my parents swimming and took my shake with me.

So far I have to say it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, and am hoping that will continue through next week too.

Day 3

Another day under my belt!  I have to say this one was a little better than the last.  I am hoping they will get easier as I go.  I had my shake at work around 8 or 8:30 and was good until around 10 or 10:30,  I ate a sugar free jello which I was told I could have then.  I was able to eat 1 of the bars I can have a little later in the afternoon there for I wasn't starving when I got home and was able to wait until almost 5:30 to have my 3rd shake and then had my last bar around 8:30.

I told a co-work I was going to start walking at lunch time, I just feel crappy and need to get the exercise.   I sit pretty much all day at my job.  So we were able to arrange our lunches that she and I were able to go for a walk and no one was any the wiser to the fact I am not eating at lunch time.  Next week might be a little harder to do that but we will see.  I am hoping the walking at lunch can go on next week too.  And to be honest even after that.  I am worried how I will get it in at home so to know I can get at least 1 mile in during the day, anything in the evening is going to be a great bonus.
I am a little worried about the weekend that is coming up.  I seem to do better with structure and not having the food there.  So I just hope I can stay strong while at home this weekend.  I just need to keep telling myself after this weekend, only 9 more days!
This will be so worth it in the end.

Not a total fail

Well day 2 is done and I can't say it was a total success, but it wasn't a total fail either.  For some reason day 2 was much harder than day one, well the afternoon was anyway.  I need to figure out a way to make the things I am able to have last.  The shakes last longer than I thought they would to be honest so that is a good thing.  But it is the in between I am having problems with.  I get 3 shakes a day and 2 bars for snacks.
I held strong all day yesterday and then when I was at home feeding my son I caved and ate two bites of his dinner.  I know that doesn't sound like much but to me that is a fail.  I know the world is not going to stop because I did it but I am so let down in myself!
Today I am going to really push water that way maybe I won't feel so hungry in between shakes and see how that works.
I was able to make it through lunch without any questions, I told a little fib that I need to make a few phone calls and went to my car.  I am not sure what I will do the remainder of this week and next but I will figure something out.

Until tomorrow, wish me luck with today.

Melinda

Day 1 in the books

Hooray for me, day one of diet is under my belt.  I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I have a major gagging problem when it comes to drinking gross stuff so I was worried.  I have to say they were pretty good, almost to sweet.  I got the vanilla flavor because they told me I can put sugar free jello mix in for flavorings.  I don't think they are something I could drink on a daily forever and will probably hate them in two weeks, but it's what I get for now.  The bars that I can eat aren't bad either so here's to hoping I can make it.

I was able to make it through the day without anyone questioning why I didn't have food.  The other girl in the office called off so I took an early lunch and "ate" alone.  I am not sure what my plan for today will be, maybe phone calls in the car?  I will figure something out, but I am thinking by the end of the 2nd week they may be questioning things.

Joe has been a great support and even said he would eat and feed Noah before I get home from work.  I told him I didn't think he needed to do that, I can't avoid food forever.  Plus he works 3 evenings a week so I have to feed Noah anyway.  I was able to sit at the table with them and fed Noah while he ate and I was really ok.  Let's hope I am able to continue with it.

I will post tomorrow again, I am only counting the day a success after I sleep all night and get up in the morning!

What's in a title

So when I was thinking of a title for this blog I was having a hard time.  I wanted it to be light hearted but to the point.  So here we go!  This is a journal, my journal of weight loss.  Obviously if it is about weight loss that covers the chunky part...lol.  And of course I am a princess, what female isn't.

So now that I have covered that part, let me tell you about me.  I am a 36 year old mother of an amazing 17 month old that my husband and I adopted at birth.  He is the most amazing and important part of my life.  I am married to Joe, one of my best friends in the world.  The other two are my parents and my cousin.  She and I have been joined at the hip since birth I swear.  Like any relationships we all have our ups and downs, but we all seem to come back to the fact we love each other. 

Family is the most important thing in my life.  My family has been there with me through so much, I don't even know  where to start to tell you about it (so I will write about it in later posts).  They have been there to support me through so much, good and bad.  

I have always been a pretty confident person, very assured of myself and outgoing.  I have always struggled with my weight but I never felt it kept me from most things.  Somewhere in the adoption process that slowly started to slip away.  I often felt that I was in high school again and was being judged by my looks, clothes, the way my house looked and the job I had.  But it wasn't just the "mean girls" doing it now.  It was going to effect everything I wanted in life, a child.  I am in no way blaming this process for my weight, I am blaming it for my confidence issues that I have now.  My weight has always been a problem, and I can sit here and give a million reasons why I think it is, and what my doctors think too.  But at the end of the day it won't change it so I needed to do something about it.

I have tried pretty much every diet out there you can think of, some worked for a short time and some didn't.  After Noah was born I realized if I can't do this for myself I need to do it for him.  So 7 months ago I started to process to have weight loss surgery.  It wasn't a decision that came easy or something I jumped into without alot of thought and research.  It is not a decision I am proud of yet, but it is what I am doing.  

I am so afraid to tell people what I am doing.  I have not told the people I work with, none of my friends and very few people in my family.  I don't know if it's because I don't want them to try to change my mind, or if it is the judgement I feel I will get from them.  I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable to tell them what I did or just let them think I lost the weight on my own, I guess time will tell on that matter.

However I am two weeks from surgery and am scared to death to be honest!  Scared that I will fail at it, that something will go wrong, that I made a bad decision.  It keeps me up at night to be honest.

So I feel that writing here is good for me and hopefully will be a support to anyone who finds this and that I can find support from others out there.